The Way I Am
I remember when the bullying first started. It began to happen around the beginning of my 6th grade year of middle school – the year when most kids start to “change” so to speak. Of course, I’m talking about puberty. As a person who identifies as male, I was always taught I would change by becoming more masculine. That meant different things, for example: I would grow much taller, my muscles would develop, my voice would deepen, and as it is often assumed by our society, I would start feeling attracted to girls. However, when I was going through middle school, I began to realize I didn’t really fall anywhere on the spectrum of normal. Other kids noticed that too. Some of them took advantage of it.
For confidentiality purposes, I’m going to refer to the next two people by pseudonyms. Calvin and Andy were two of my classmates I absolutely hated running into. I remember dreading going to our shared classes because I didn’t want to be put in a situation where I would have to interact with them. They would consistently pick on and make fun of me for any reason they could find. Whether it was my appearance, how I dressed, how I acted, how I spoke, I always felt battered by their words. They would call me names and say slurs to my face. One of them took my yearbook without my permission at the end of the year and wrote these slurs on the front page (you can imagine what that looked like). Calvin and Andy weren’t the only ones that did or said these things, but I recall them the most poignantly because it’s really hard to forget how people made you feel sometimes.
Something a lot of people did actually was misgender me. People would call me a girl in a derogatory sort of connotation because I exhibited “more feminine” mannerisms. Probably one of my most noticeable and “feminine” qualities is my voice. My voice has always been pretty high all of my life, and other kids mocked me for it by mimicking what I would say and how I sounded. Honestly, even with all of the name-calling and slurs, this hurt me the most because it was something I couldn’t outwardly change. I used to be so upset and frustrated over this because it felt so unfair to be who I really was. So I often hid who I was.
By the time high school came around, my experiences from middle school had shaped me to become a much more hardened personality. I was really shy, quiet, and not quick to make friends. I tried to desensitize myself from my past in order to not be vulnerable, not be a target, and blend in. But the harder I tried, the more obvious it became. It was sort of an unsaid thing. Everyone in my grade knew, but no one ever said anything, at least to my knowledge. That’s what made high school a better experience for me to say the least. Most people are more mature by then, and no one really cares what you’re about. It was definitely a safer environment for me, which lent me more freedom to express myself. What helped the most though was finding a group of friends who supported me for who I truly was, whether or not I was out of the closet. Over time, they helped me realize I am so much more than what my sexuality defines me as.
At the end of my freshman year of high school, I decided to take the big step of coming out to my closest friends. I wanted to make it really intimate and romantic to really capture the moment for what it was – a full display of my vulnerability and fears. We drove to Bolsa Chica for a bonfire with friends, and at sunset, I walked them over to one of the lifeguard towers. My heart was beating so fast. I was so afraid they would reject me (even though I knew deep down they would never). It was all of the anxiety built up within me over the years creeping up on me all at once. It was telling me to keep my mouth shut. But I didn’t want to be silenced anymore. For once in my life, I spoke up, and for the first time ever in my life, I said, “I’m gay.”
The sensation from uttering those two words felt incredibly weird. Before then, I would only say it in my head. I used to be in so much denial, and for it to be so tangible was so new to me. This was a pivotal moment in my life. As soon as I said my peace, my friends congratulated me and told me I was brave. They thanked me for sharing my life with them, and I was speechless again. I never had so much love and validation before. I finally felt like myself, and that felt liberating.
From that point on, I began to speak more openly about my sexuality. Since then, I’ve told more and more of my friends and even some of my family I’m gay. Though I haven’t told my parents or extended family, I have grown to be comfortable with who I am, and I’m going at my own pace in terms of the coming out process. And that’s completely okay with me. I can finally say I’m happy now, and for me, that’s all that matters. Having been in college for three years, I’ve surrounded myself with genuine people who I love and accept me for every bit of who I am. I’ve learned everyone deserves love, no matter how they identify, and I never assume anyone’s sexuality. It’s important to be considerate and aware of how other people identify in this way because gender is fluid and people are constantly learning more and more about their sexual orientation. Even I’m still learning about what I like and don’t like in that way.
I have changed so much since my awkward middle school years, but I never thought I’d go from absolutely denying who I was to loving every aspect about me that has to do with being gay. I always thought I was wrong for being different, acting and talking “like a girl”, but now I realize every different path I took that I thought was a wrong turn was actually a straight line towards everything I was meant to be (if that makes sense). I have so much self-love and pride for who I am now, I couldn’t imagine myself any other way. The gay part of me is probably the happiest, funniest, and most charismatic part of my personality. It has helped me become the outgoing, loud, and confident leader that I am, and I wouldn’t change the way I am for anyone or anything.
So AMP fam, thank you for listening to my story and giving me a chance to share my experiences with you. I would like to leave you with one final thought. If you ever have questions about how to be an ally to your friends, or if you yourself are struggling with or questioning your own sexuality, AMP is here for you. If there’s anything else I’ve learned from my experiences, it’s going through any journey alone is difficult. Having a support system help and validate you is key. I encourage you to let AMP be that support for you. I remember when I was a mentee, AMP helped me find who I was. I hope for all of you it can do the same.
With care, listen to Ingrid Michaelson’s song, The Way I Am!
About the author: Gerryko is a 3rd year Social Ecology major and a returning AMP mentor (for Amy and OJ!). He currently works as a Center Attendant in Mesa Court. In the past, he has served as a UCI Orientation Staffer (Evergreen Year), Student Conduct Review Board Member, and Lead Mentor for AMP (Squirtle and Mist Fam). In his free time, he likes to hang out/eat with friends, play with his pets, draw or paint, sing and dance, listen to music, and play video games. As of now, Gerryko hopes to become a counselor of some kind. Please do message Gerryko if you’d like! (562) 221-7813 (texting preferred) or Facebook is great too!
