To Anyone Still Figuring Themselves Out

It’s such a weird experience – taking ownership of an identity I hadn’t been able to determine or come to terms with for the longest time. The words “I’m gay” still carry a certain vague sense of discomfort and strangeness for me, but also a sense of pride and relief at the same time. For all my friends who are anything on the LGBT spectrum, struggling to search for and claim your identity – this is for you.

Honestly, being gay isn’t hard.

You just are. That’s how it is, that’s how I was born. Gay.

Accepting that you are gay (or anything LGBT) is what’s hard. Sorting out a bunch of confused and muddled emotions and being comfortable being yourself is no easy task when you’re gay but your upbringing, your family and your previous romantic experiences say otherwise. Some people know and are confident they are gay when they’re twelve. Other people don’t sort it out until they’re maybe thirty! For me, it really took until I was twenty. I never really thought about my sexual identity until the end of my second year. I have a friend who I got close to that summer and eventually he asked a question every gay guy might be familiar with: "Hey… can I ask you a question?” This is literally almost always the pretext for “Are you gay?” or “What’s your sexual orientation?” In that moment I wasn’t really sure what I was about, so I told him “Don’t know, I just go with the flow.” After that encounter, he had me contemplating and in my feels like, “Bruh… am I gay?”

He eventually started dating someone else (((yikes))), but that was the pivotal moment in my emotional development that made me realize, “damn bro, you’re pretty gay lmao.”

Expressing that you are gay can also be hard. Because even if you have accepted that you’re gay, the world around you might take some time. For me, I was constantly worried about what others thought of me and how I was perceived by my community. I didn’t want to “act gay” because I didn’t want people to attribute my personality traits solely to my sexual orientation, but at the same time I was constantly thinking, “how do I act gay enough so that other gay people know I’m gay?” It’s kind of a laughable paradox, but it’s still kind of painful. Because being gay, I wanted to find solidarity in a community of people like me or I wanted to search for something that feels like love -- but I was too afraid to make any moves outside of what felt safe.

I was conflicted because I wasn’t and still am not whatever I grew up perceiving what being gay meant. Expressing that you are gay isn’t acting flamboyant and sassy or going to Pride parades, flaunting a big rainbow flag for Instagram. It isn’t having a higher pitched voice nor is it having hints of feminine punctuation in your gestures. Because of this, even though I was comfortable being gay I almost felt as if I wasn’t “gay” enough to fit in with the gay community. I refused to be put into a box and labeled, and because of this, it took me a while to take ownership of my identity in my own way. Expressing your identity is different for every individual, and it took me a while to realize that. I can honestly say I’ve come a long way, but the journey of coming out is still in process.

Coming out isn’t a one-time thing. It isn’t some once-in-a-lifetime grand performance of sexual expression and freedom, casting away your worries of heteronormative expectations and fear of discrimination. Coming out is something gay people have to do for the rest of their lives. It’s something I think about all the time. Every time I meet someone new, that’s a new coming out story in the making. Even this highlight you all are reading right now is another story in my anthology of coming out stories. Despite this, it gets easier and easier. Honestly, most times it’s pretty anti-climatic despite being such a huge part of being gay. I guess the most intense coming out story I have is the first time I verbally expressed my sexual orientation in front of a large group, which was when the AMP1718 mentors did an activity called “If You Really Knew Me.” At that moment, I threw myself into scary waters despite not really knowing how to swim. Fortunately, I was met with loving words and endless support, which further encouraged me to find ways to be myself comfortably.

Although I’ve reached a point in my life where “coming out” has become a mundane and almost routine activity, I dream of a day where we live in a society where there isn’t any “closet” to come out of. Being “in the closet” is such a heavy and exhausting experience. It’s like wearing five pound weights of emotional baggage on your wrists and ankles, making all your everyday interactions and maneuvers significantly more exhausting. It’s so strange having to constantly think about when to switch up your act depending on who you’re around. After a while you begin to forget who it’s safe to be yourself around and who you need to put up a Straight™ front around. It’s even scarier trusting people with your secret. There’s been several occasions when a close friend of mine unintentionally “outed” me to other friends to whom I wasn’t ready to disclose that information to yet. When you’re caught in a situation like this, it’s really hard to know who you can really trust to be responsible with such an important part of your identity. It’s tiring.

Eventually I just got too tired. I spent way too much time hiding and worrying about people’s perception of who I am. I would always worry about rumors and talk going around, making me the centerpiece of the most recent gossip. Friends would tell me people would ask them about how I identify and others would just fill in the blanks, talking like they think they know what I’m about.

Fuck that.

If people wanted something to talk about, I’d give ‘em something to talk about. On my own terms. No more fill in the blanks. No more guessing games at tea time for anyone. Hell no. At some point in time, I was more over it than scared. I was reclaiming my time. No more spending time hiding from myself, worrying about others, calculating my sentences. I was going to live freely.

And I did.

I felt rejuvenated. I had cast away the chains of fear and confusion that I placed onto myself. Living suddenly got so much easier to do. All my social interactions were suddenly less exhausting.

I was proud. Confident.

For everyone questioning or still in the closet, take your time. You grow at your own pace. You come to terms with yourself at your own pace. There is no right answer. You don’t have to fit into the ideals and mold of anyone’s expectations. You don’t have to pick one gender or the other because hey, sexual identity goes beyond the scope of the traditional gender binary! Sexual identity is a sensitive topic, I know. It’s one of the few identities that we can lie about. That we can hide. But just know, there are people who are just like you. There are people who are willing to love and support you. If you’re reading this and are in need of a friend, I’m always here.

Before I was comfortable being who I am today, I really looked up to my friends who knew what they were about. I’d see my LGBT friends and other LGBT role models full of confidence and owning their presence and I’d think to myself, “Damn, I wanna be like them.” It had always been my goal to be like them. And by writing this to you, I hope I am another step closer to reaching that goal.

Stay safe, stay proud.

Kyle Dimla