What Drives Me

“I know you don’t have class all day. Don’t hang around too much. Don’t make too many friends. Just go to class, do your homework, and come home.”

These were the familiar words I heard from my parents too many times before my fall quarter even started. I was set to be a commuter. Like five of my siblings before me, even though I was physically distant and free from my home, I was still inevitably bound to them by my car. Being a first-generation, low-income college student under MY strict parents meant that having a social life should be the absolute lowest of my priorities.

One of my biggest fears upon entering college was me living up to the stereotype and joining the statistics that contribute to the idea of UCI being a commuter school. Moreover, I was afraid that I would not make any friends because of the strict household I came from. And for a while, that was my reality. For three weeks, my “fun fact” in any situation where I met someone was that I was a commuter. Even in a sea of students who probably felt just like me, I was isolated. I felt like I didn’t belong because I couldn’t relate to any of the students who lived in Mesa Court, Middle Earth, or even Campus Village. With my difficulty in finding friends and solely going to UCI for education, I absolutely did not enjoy the ‘freshman experience’. Coming from a low-income, low-socioeconomic-status neighborhood, I already felt behind the rest of the students here on campus. It was difficult to survive in difficult classes (at least for me) like Math 2b at 8AM when there was no one to learn from and grow with. And after a long day of stressing, I’d have no one to turn to and no place to rest because of my wonky schedule. At some point, the most “driven” thing about me was my car.

Eventually I thought, “Heck, if I had to make the effort to drive back and forth twenty or so miles every day, I better had made my time spent on campus worth it.” I knew something needed to change, and with my situation, I had to take the initiative and give myself what I deserved though I know it would be difficult. I knew I had signed up for several clubs back during the Anteater Involvement Fair during week 0 such as Circle K and Muslim Student Union(MSU), but I was still too scared to reply to any e-mails or text messages from their constituents. Time was ticking, and I remember panicking about whether I would ever muster the courage to better myself by getting involved with at least one organization. It took a long while, but through the encouragement of the only upperclassman friend that I knew through high school, he convinced me to apply for AMP a few hours before that Friday 5PM deadline.

If you’ve ever heard the quote “they may forget what you said or what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel” then you can probably relate to how I felt when I was accepted into the program. Getting that reply e-mail was agonizing enough, but then the body of the e-mail included “Due to the limited number of mentors and the high volume of applications, we are unfortunately unable to accept everyone into the program.” Reading up to that point made me think, “Oh boy, here’s my first reject in college”. “...However, we are happy to inform you that you have been accepted into the Antleader Mentorship Program as a mentee! Welcome to the AMP family!” I had to read that twice to make sure I got in before saying, “What?! HUH?! Oh crap, I actually got in. What do I do, what do I do, what do I do!” I’ve never felt such a rush of anxiety, anticipation, excitement, and wonder in one moment.

After getting accepted into the program, I began experiencing what it was like to live a real first-year experience, at least by my definition. Simply put, I was fortunate enough to go through the struggles of attending a wonderful university while being a part of an impactful organization and empathetic community such as AMP all while making lifelong friendships along the way. I gradually felt like I had a place to call home and that I belonged at UCI. The first time my curfew pushed past 7pm was when my mentor, Hieu Dao, invited me to a dinner. I remember being afraid to tell him that I might not be able to stay late because of my status as a commuter. However, I took it upon myself to push my boundaries and take the time to work with the new relationships presented in front of me after explaining to my parents why I would be at school longer. They initially rejected that notion and said that AMP would be a waste of time, but I was living my experience -- not my parents. For me, “rebelling” was not as difficult as I thought it’d be as I gradually stayed out longer studying with people or hangout out as the quarter went on. Though I know my parents were suspicious and somewhat disapproving of me being out late, I was glad (and still am) that they accepted my decision and wanted me to enjoy college. My mom actually told me that college would not be worth it if my mental health was put at risk with the way they tried to restrict me.

It didn’t take long for me to learn a few crucial things about AMP and the university experience in general. If you want an opportunity to open up to you, you have to take a chance. As a first-year, everything is still fresh and brand new, so why not do something you always wanted to do before? If you read my mentor bio ‘til the end, you may remember me saying, “You’ve got nothing to lose but everything to gain.” I believe in that statement wholeheartedly, especially for a program like AMP. If you’re reading this wondering when your university or AMP experience will get better, it’s important to constantly remind yourself that what you give is what you get. For example, AMP will provide you the platform to better yourself as a student or possibly provide you with a supportive community and boundless friendships, but if you don’t work to maintain those friendships, then as sad as it is to say, it’s all for naught. Relationships are a mutual effort, but it’s also important to recognize when you should work hard for good people and that it’s okay to not put effort into those who don’t deserve your time, energy, and emotional labor no matter where you are or what you are involved in.

You have the potential to shape a part of your first-year experience, so why not write it your own way? Take that chance to meet someone new, ask them how their day was, and if they’d like to study with you for an upcoming midterm. The small experiences will culminate into bigger things like more genuine hangouts at Turtle Rock when the stars are out, the iconic taco truck over in Santa Ana, or around random spots on campus just talking about life. Also, take the opportunity to accept and be open-minded to things that are unexpected. Things won’t always go as you planned or hoped for in college or even within AMP. However, people or events come to you when you least expect it and have the potential to be one of the best things to happen to you. To illustrate, I didn’t think I’d ever find my best friend (Hi Akif!) at UCI, let alone in AMP, but it happened when I didn’t know I needed it most. He and many others that I’ve been fortunate enough to meet throughout the program played a huge role in my development by helping me see the value in myself and my efforts when I never could, especially when I began opening up to people winter quarter onward. By opening yourself up to others, you are providing a path for others to influence, impact, and aid in shaping your first-year experience.

Pictured: Me and Akif at the End of the Year Banquet - the conclusion of of my mentee experience

Many people, including myself, who’ve become affiliated with AMP can testify that the program did benefit them in some way. The people that I’ve met in the program, whether I put in the effort to establish friendships or they came to me, are the reason why I am where I stand today. AMP became the reason why I wanted to go to school. It gave me the resources I needed to improve myself academically, socially, and mentally. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled immensely during my first year with academics, but I gained invaluable experience on how to improve myself that I carry with me for the rest of my academic career. For me, AMP lived up to its mission statement in bridging the gap for someone of my background to have a fair and higher chance at thriving here at UCI.

Looking back now as an AMP mentor, applying for the program was probably one of the best decisions of my life. Commuting became the least of my worries as I got more involved with the program and the people that I’ve met. If you were to look at my snapchat memories, you’d notice a HUGE increase after October 2017. The reason being was that I had memories worth cherishing. My family and friends have told me that they’ve noticed a growth in my character, confidence, and maturity, asking how it happened over the course of a year if all I did was ‘academics’. But if I exclusively came to UCI for academics, then I couldn’t guarantee that my experience would be where it stands today.

Your experience may not reflect mine, but I also think that’s a good thing. AMP may not be your go-to org on campus and that’s fine, but it is still important to utilize the tools that are at your disposal while it is still available. Your experience should be unique and driven by the way you want it to be so it can fit your needs. Challenge yourself to take advantage of the program and its opportunities. And when the time is right, challenge yourself further to reach beyond AMP, share the experiences, and apply what you learned and will learn through this organization with others outside the program.

About the author:

I’m a 2nd year Computer Science major and a first time AMP mentor, previous AMP mentee, and one of your Media / Publicity Coordinators! When I’m not focusing on my academics to one day become a video game developer or working at the ICS labs as an attendant, I’m probably out shooting portraits somewhere or editing with Lightroom. If there’s time to spare, you may also catch me playing Overwatch for a quick de-stress. Don’t be afraid to hit him up for a meet-up for anything life / photography / anything-you-need related talks!