Battling My Regret

Coming to UCI was not my choice. I was planning on attending UCLA like my closest friends were, and when we all found out we got in, we were hyped to be Bruins together.

My parents had a different plan for me. The night I was accepted to UCLA, my mom excitedly walked into my room holding a letter that said I was also accepted to UCI. I live 15-18 miles away from UCI (depending on the route taken), so I knew why she was happy; going to UCI meant I would be staying home and commuting to school. I attended Bruin day on April 16th, 2016 and I met so many cool people and signed up for the email lists of a bunch of organizations that I was interested in joining. I was PUMPED to be a Bruin.

However, my parents had me SIR to both UCLA and UCI (yes that’s possible). On May 15th, 2016, I received an email reminding me that I had to choose one school by June 1st. I received my housing contract and roommate assignment from UCLA a few days after that email and found out I was going to be rooming in Saxon Suites (one of the nicest dorms on campus) with one of my closest friends. On May 30th, my parents and I argued for a pretty long time, ending with me crying and going to my room. That night, I cancelled one of my SIRs---Can you guess which one?

That summer, I spent a lot of time with my closest friends but I did my best to ignore the fact that many of them would be going to UCLA without me. I pushed away reality as long as I could. Soon enough, September came, and they moved into their UCLA dorms and apartments while I cleaned up my bedroom at home, preparing for whatever commuting to UCI would be like.

School started on September 19th, 2016, and I was determined to make sure that I wouldn’t let a decision that was made for me affect me for my entire time in college, so I got involved in as much as I could. I joined ASUCI and Mock Trial early into my Fall Quarter, and I made a bunch of friends Week 0 just going to events. However, every single night, my mom would call me and yell at me for staying out so late (9pm), and I would lose all my joy as I drove home while most of my new UCI friends went to the newly opened Anteatery together. Don’t get me wrong; commuting is not the worst thing in the world. It just really hurt when every day and night that I drove to and from school, I was reminded of what could’ve been. No matter how much fun I was having at UCI, I constantly thought about was how much more fun I would’ve been having at UCLA.

I was one of the lucky freshmen who was accepted into the Antleader Mentorship Program, which I decided to apply to because I was bored the day that my friends were moving in to their dorms (September 16th, 2016). When I walked into AMP class for the first time, all I saw was a huge crowd of people that I didn’t know. I knew I wanted to make friends but I didn’t know where to start with that many people, and the initial intimidation I felt kind of shut me off socially to the AMP community.

Luckily, all mentees get a mentor, so I decided to just stick to mine all the time since I enjoyed one on one relationships a lot more than large groups. I won’t rave about my mentor or anything (he’s gr8), but he quickly showed me that AMP and the people in it weren’t the scary, huge crowd that I initially made them out to be. He encouraged me to attend Socials and Study Hours with him, and through my small, short interactions with AMP people throughout Fall Quarter, I grew a bit more comfortable with the community. Even if I didn’t know everyone deeply, I at least knew names and faces.

During Winter Break I got to meet with a lot of my high school friends. When they asked how college was, I found myself talking enthusiastically about my mentor, but I was still upset about not going to UCLA. Everyone there seemed to be having such a good time, and I just couldn’t shake the sadness of losing that opportunity. I was certain that it would be something I’d regret forever.

The first Tuesday of Winter Quarter, January 10th, I was nervous to walk back into the AMP classroom because I would yet again experience the familiar fear of the large sea of faces staring at me. However, when I entered, I was amazed to notice that I no longer just saw a giant swarm of unfamiliar faces; instead I walked into a classroom of many individual faces that I recognized. I was still intimidated by how many people there were, but I was so much more comfortable seeing mentees I’d interacted with already and some that I even considered my friends.

That moment--when I saw AMP as not just a huge group of strangers but instead a community of individuals--that was my turning point in this program. I promised myself that I would try harder to get to know more people because that was the only way I’d find real comfort.

I did my best to get as involved with AMP as I could. I went to more AMP-wide Socials, I attended every Study Hours, I went to Family Time every week, I went to my Family’s socials, I posted more on the AMP page, and most importantly, I messaged people to have One on One’s. I did so much more in this community, but it took me until close to the end of Winter Quarter to really notice the payoff.

On March 2nd, AMP people went to Soulstice (UCI’s Premiere Talent Event™) together where we all sat in a section reserved for us, so I got to laugh and cheer with almost 80 friends from AMP by my side, and we even got a shout out in one of the Soulstice skits. When the event ended, Thu Nguyen (who’s a mentor now) convinced my mentor and me to go to UCLA with her, and we got back to UCI around 4:30am (don’t follow my example). While we were at UCLA though, we hung out with some of my friends, and they were talking about how fun my Snapchat story of my night with AMP people looked--and I agreed with them. That night of hanging out with AMP friends before and during Soulstice was definitely one of the highlights of my freshman year.

A lot of my friends were involved on their campus, but they didn’t have communities that would be down to reserve an 80-person section of seating at one of their school’s biggest events in the year. Very few of my friends could say that that they were crafting meaningful relationships with 150+ people through one program alone. I didn’t think about it until that night, but AMP was not something that everyone gets to experience. AMP was something special.

On the drive back to UCI, my mentor asked me how I was feeling about everything. He knew I had been bummed about not going to UCLA my entire time at UCI, and visiting UCLA could have triggered some more intense sad feelings. I’d just visited the school that I felt I should’ve gone to, and he was worried I would be going through even more regret. However, I was happier than ever that night. Not just because I got to see a bunch of my close friends at UCLA, but more so because I was able to spend quality time with AMP people at Soulstice and then with my mentor and Thu going to and coming from LA.

I’d previously assumed that if I went to UCLA, I’d be unconditionally happy; but it took me five months to realize that a school on its own couldn’t make me happy at all. What matters isn’t where I go, it’s how I choose to spend my time.

That night, I thought about what I’d be losing if I didn’t go to UCI. I wouldn’t have been involved in Mock Trial, I wouldn’t have had student government, I wouldn’t have Campus Reps, but most importantly I wouldn’t have AMP. I would not have my community of friends, a Lead mentor that helped me grow, a mentor who taught me to be okay just being myself, or a best friend who shows me unconditional care and support.

If you asked me a year ago where I wanted to be, I would’ve said UCLA with my regret evident in my voice. But if you ask me today, I will say UCI without a moment’s hesitation. AMP took me from someone who was secretly sad about UCI every single day to someone who can’t hide his joy and love for his school even if he tried.

I cannot guarantee that AMP will shape your college experience, but I know for a fact that this community has the capacity to bring you memorable experiences and deep, meaningful connections. So, my advice to you all is simple: please allow yourself to experience this program with an open mind and open heart.

I promise you won’t regret it.

Bio: Akif (Awk-if, not Uh-keef) is a 2nd year Comparative Literature major who’s going to stop talking in 3rd person now. I enjoy a great many things like swimming at 6am or going to the beach to read books or practicing my very basic Arabic and English calligraphy skills. I am also really big on remembering dates and events, which is pretty evident in my Highlight. Hit me up to hangout because I really like talking BUT ALSO because I enjoy meeting anyone who thinks I’m even slightly interesting 😊. We can go get acai bowls or a Costco pizza (depending on how healthy I feel that day), sit in a park (Irvine’s full of ‘em), and share life stories.